Last week, while my husband and I were having lunch in one of our favorite dining spots, the National Coney Island, we could overhear the conversation of a group of people seated near us. There were three people at the table, a man and woman who appeared to be spouses in their fifties, and a woman in a wheelchair who seemed to be the man’s mother. The wife was enthusiastically describing her new Fitbit in what many would describe as an “outdoor voice.” The Fitbit is the trendy new watch-like gadget that keeps track of the wearer’s exercise, calories and even sleep patterns.

The wife first explained how it could keep track of how she slept and then went on to tell how many hours of sleep she had had during the last several nights and how many times she was restless or got up during each night.

“I think I may have been restless on Tuesday because I was worried about whether the drapes I ordered from Penneys would arrive. I really needed to get them hung before the weekend because we were having the neighborhood block party and I wanted the house to look good in case anyone came in to use the bathroom.”

The mother-in-law nodded and may have said something we couldn’t hear.

“On Wednesday, I got up three times during the night. I know why. Had the runs real bad. Those drapes showed up but they were the wrong color and I had to send ‘em back. You know how I am. I get upset and it goes right to my guts.”

Again, mother-in-law nodded.

“On Thursday, I slept a little better. I took some Immodium and Melatonin and I was out for the night.”

The waitress arrived with their meals which prompted wife to describe the next feature of the Fitbit.
“This also keeps track of the calories I can eat. Today, I want to stay under 12,000.”

I was thinking Jabba the Hutt could keep that resolution.

“This meal is 613 calories. That means I have about 600 more I can eat today.”

Ah, now I see. Order-of-Magnitude-Challenged.

Mother-in-law nodded.

My husband and I were trying very hard to have our own conversation and not eavesdrop on theirs but her piercing voice was impossible to ignore.

“Yesterday I walked 67,000 steps,” she announced.

Wow, that’s over 30 miles! She must have worn out her shoes. Where did she go? Wait. I am sure she will tell us.

“I walked all the way to the post office and back. That’s over a mile one way!”

Oder-of-Magnitude bites again.

Mother-in-law continues to nod politely.

“Did I tell you this keeps track of my heart rate? I never realized my heart rate gets too high. I made an appointment to see my doctor. This little gadget may have saved my life.”

Mother-in-law nod and seems to say something.

“Why Jack gave it to me for my birthday. You raised such a thoughtful son.”

Mother-in-law turns to husband, out of sight of her daughter-in-law, and gives him the meanest stink eye I have ever witnessed.

I love eating at the Coney.